Making peace with my c-section

My baby turned six months old on November 6th. He is a beautiful, healthy baby.  He has two teeth, and can sit up by himself, roll over,  and crawl. He eats solid foods (we are doing baby-led solids), and smiles and laughs. He’s perfect. He was perfect from the moment he was conceived. But, it took me until his six month birthday, to come to terms with the circumstances surrounding his birth.

I believe that my c-section was medically un-necessary. I know that because I allowed my mid-wife to break my water, that I was then on the hospitals time clock in terms of delivery. I don’t think she would have suggested a c-section at the end of those 12 hours, if I had been further along, but I don’t believe I should have been induced when I was. There was no medical reason for it, other than my belly measuring large. But, that is neither here nor there. It just gives me an idea of how much stronger I need to be in my next pregnancy, (if we decided to have a second) if I go post-dates again.

But, because of how things worked out….I was able to say goodbye to my dad. When my dad had his stroke three days before Anderson was born, I didn’t really think about what might happen if he died. It wasn’t intentional, but i’m sure it was sub-concious self preservation. My dad slipped into a coma in the early hours of Sunday (like 2am) I was induced at 5am on Sunday. My mom and brother decided not to tell me that my dad wasn’t going to make it, as I was laboring with Anderson. I will forever feel greatful, that they made that decision, and that it wasn’t me in their shoes. When I ended up with a c-section, it was 3 hours before my dad died. What if I hadn’t? What if I had been progessed to a 9, and still had 3 hours ahead of me? What would my mom and brother have done then?

As it was, Anderson was born, and my brother was able to hold the phone up to my dad’s ear, and I was able to say good bye. Holding my hours old baby is what saved me through this experience. Having a c-section, when I did, is what allowed me to do that. Call it God, or fate, or conicidence, whatever you believe, but as for me, I’m thankful.

My c-section was not medically necessary, but I believe, it was emotionally and spirtually.

One year ago….

One year ago, Anderson entered into our lives! We didn’t know it yet, but this is the weekend we conceived. I have to admit this makes me nostalgic!

Today Anderson is 14 weeks old. I feel like we have emerged from the newborn phase unscathed, and Anderson is now a baby. He has changed so much in the last 14 weeks.

Some quick stats:
Wearing 6 month clothing
Waking up 2x a night to eat
Wearing cloth diapers all the time
Likes: mommy and daddy, playing with Mortimer the moose by LAMAZE, eating his hands, bath time, and “talking.”
Dislikes: car seat, Putting on clothes, pacifiers, being out of eye sight of his caregiver for longer than 10 minutes.

Now that Anderson and I have a rhythm, I would like to start blogging more regularly. Till then’


Post-partum Body

On sunday I will be six weeks post-partum, and next week I will be cleared for exercise. At least, I assume I will be.

In the past five weeks and 3 days I have lost around 30 pounds. I have 16 more to lose to reach the weight I would like to be at by the end if the calendar year.
Thus far, I have not dieted or been watching what I eat. The first weeks at home with a newborn are tiring and nutrition was placed on the back burner. Don’t get me wrong, I Haver been eating total crap, but I have been eating what is convenient, easy to prep, and can be eaten with one hand if necessary.
And, not to be a total cop out, but my dad died ya know? I have been at my parents house for the last week, adhere is no shortage of treats and good food brought by well wishers.
But…my grace period is over on Sunday. I am planning on getting back into the swing if things with diet and exercise. I am hesitant to say, Anderson is starting to have a pattern to his day…which will make exercise and food prep easier.
I have been documenting my post partum body though. Interested to see how it changes when I cut the crap.

1 week post partim( and still very sore)

Two weeks:

Three weeks:

Four weeks:

Five weeks:


Pregnancy Update: 40 Weeks

My nephew Ben, born by emergency c-section, 4 weeks early

Today is my due date, according to my LMP. According to my charting, I think that Friday or Saturday should be my due date, but when we are only talking a matter of days, I suppose that is neither here nor there.

Yesterday was my 40 week appointment, and I have to admit, I was once again hopefull that my body had progressed. I’d has an increased amount of contracts in the last week, including low back pain. I thought for sure that I would be 2cm’s dilated. At my appointment, everything looked good, baby’s heart rate was good, and my belly measured 42 weeks. UGH. 42?!?! I swear, this baby better not weight 11 pounds.

And then it was time for my internal check. I don’t find these as painful as some people have described them to be, mostly just uncomfortable, still better than going to the dentist in my opinion. And the midwife announced…..1 centimeter. Still. Damn.

She asked me what I wanted to do. I told her that I wanted to wait on induction as long as she would let me. She said, that based on my belly measurement, she is sure that the baby is large. Duh. She suggested that if nothing happened (ie going into labor naturally) we induce this weekend. And I was crushed. Tears welled in my eyes, as I asked question, but I was able to keep them in, at least until she left the room.

The plan is to check in to the hospital on Saturday night at 5pm, insert cervadil, and then in the morning start pitocin.

Here is the thing, I’m sort of a situational hypochondriac. Have I written about that before? Even though we only made the plan for induction, in my mind, I was already in the Operating Room getting a C-section due to failure to progress. Even though we still had 4 days for me to go into labor naturally, all I could think about was, what was in my opionion, the worst case scenario.

After the midwife left the room, my husband hugged me and I burst into tears. Damn. I hate crying in public. I pulled it together, and went to the check out window and made an appointment for this Friday for a non stress test, and one final cervical check. I also made my 6 week post-partum appoint, which sort of tripped me out. 🙂

Ever since everyone around me started having babies, and I started reading pregnancy and birth blogs, I knew that my ultimate hope was for a natural, non-medicated birth. Yesterday, I felt like I had already failed, like my body had failed, and what I so firmly believe it was made to do. I let my self have a pity party, and call and cry to my mommy, and then I started talking some sense into my self.

A) there was (is!) still time for me to go into labor naturally.

B) even if I don’t go into active labor, my cervix could dilate and efface more, and by Sunday, an induction might be easier.

C) having an induction, doesn’t necessarily mean my hopes for a natural birth are off the table. It might be harder, and I might chose to have an epidural, but the option has not totally dissappeared.

D) having a c-section is not the end of the world. People survive them all the time, babies survive them all the time.

E) and at the end of the day, and most importantly, the only thing that matters is that the baby (and I) come through this alive and healthy.

There are only three “givens” in pregnancy: an egg was fertilized, you are pregnant for 37-42 weeks, and then there is a baby. Everything else is a guessing game, and while births usually follow a typical pattern, there is no way of knowing how YOURS will go.

So, today, I am working on letting go. What ever will be, will be. I am not trying too many crazy “natural” induction techniques, just bouncing/ hip swivels on an exercise ball. Not having the birth I dreamed of, does not make me a failure, nor negate how easy and healthy my pregnancy has been.

My bags are packed…

…I’m ready to go! It’s official at 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant, my baby to-do list is complete. Our cloth diapers arrived yesterday,I got them all washed,dried, stuffed and finally put away this morning.

Top drawer of our dresser/changing table combo. All 21 cloth diapers. Extra inserts, bibs, a few toiletry type items, and the 6 or so pieces of new born clothing we have. I am not expecting our child to fit in newborn clothes at all, and if he does, it will only he for a few days. All of his 3 month clothes are in the next drawer down.

Oh. I forgot. We have one small, tiny, minuscule thing left to do….pick a name! We are taking a list of top Nama to the hospital…and he will get a name on his birthday.

Practicing Patience

I took this picture on my walk this morning. Isn’t instagram great? 38 w6d belly!
I had a midwife appointment today. No progress to report. Literally. My weight was the same as last week, my blood pressure was the same as last week and my cervix? Yep. Same as last week. 1 cm and 50% effaced.

I have to admit…I had sort of convinced my self that I was going to be progressed further. I was disappointed when she said there had been no change. BUT it is ok. I am not overdue, and until last week I had been mentally preparing myself to go past my due date, since so many first time moms do. We talked about options, and I said I wanted to hold off on induction until medically necessary, even if that means I get super impatient, because it’s better for the baby.
The midwife also told me “you definitely do NOT have a small baby in there.” Which, I knew. My belly is measuring 2 weeks ahead, I was over 8 pounds at birth and my husband was, are you sitting down, OVER ELEVEN POUNDS.
My poor vagina.
So…my plan is to practice patience, and go for daily walks as well as practice swiveling my hips. Apparently it helps move the baby down. The goal: healthy baby. The hope? No induction!

Pregnancy: Final Two Week Must-Haves

Well, I am 38 week and 3 days pregnant, and I suppose I could “go” at anytime! I think that is the worst part of the end of pregnancy, the constant apprehension and wondering of every twinge means it’s time.

I have discovered a few things that I cannot do with out lately.

First: a pedicure. My toe nails are growing at an alarming rate, and I cannot reach them. I really do want janky feet in the delivery room, so for the first time in my life, I have been getting regular pedis. I sure once I am pushing I will not give two craps about my toes.

Second: a place to put my feet up. I am finally having some swelling in my feet and lower legs and having them elevated feels best.

Third: the black jersey skirt you see in the picture. It is Old Navy maternity and has one of those fold over waist bands. It is great for my sporadically warm climate, infinitely comfortable, an should work post-partum as well.

Fourth: green smoothies. I am feeling very apathetic about salads lately. I can’t tell if it is true food aversion, or laziness, but I can’t stand the idea of making my own salad (prepared by others…no problem). This smoothies contains: 2 cups spinach, 1 orange, 1 green apple, one banana, and a dash of ground ginger. I have also added carrots with success. Throw in a splash of water if you like more thin consistency.

I am also happy to report that every task on my pregnancy to-do list is now complete! Just hoping the cloth diapers arrive before the baby so I can get them all sorted!

Pregnancy: packing for the hospital

I started packing my hospital bag today. My plan is to take a bag for me, a bag for baby, and I haven’t made a plan for my husband!

This is what I am planning on taking to the hospital in my bag:
Sleep/nursing bra
Cheap nightgown that I can breast feed in.
Yoga capris
Nursing tank
Maternity jeans
Maternity tank and cardi
2 pairs of large cotton underwear–incase I want to ditch the hospital provided ones.
Crocs–I use these as slippers
Toiletries– travel size shampoo, conditioner, body wash. Toothpaste, toothbrush, powder, blush, brush, headband, hair tie….etc
Phone charger
Camcorder and charger
Snacks for my husband
Two cloth diapers(flats)- for anything that might come up.

In diaper bag( that is my diaper bag in the picture. It is a Dakine laptop bag that I already owned):
4 sleepers. Two newborn size, two 3 month size. A light weight and fleece one in each size–depending on weather.
3 burp rags
1 receiving blanket
Nipple cream
Nipple pads

And a you can see in the picture I will be bringing my boppy as well.
Some of the things in the diaper bag I don’t expect to use in the hospital, but thought I would put in there for the future.

What major thing am I missing?????

Pregnancy Update: 38 weeks

I totally did not mean to let a week go by with out posting! I am still pregnant…here is a quick update:

Weeks pregnant: 38
Weight gained: 38lbs
Bp at appt: 102/72
Swelling: a tiiiiny bit in my feet, but nothing that prevents me from wearing my regular shoes.
Workouts: about 3 or 4 a week. The baby has dropped, making walking harder and less comfortable
Contractions: yes! Don’t know If they are Braxton Hicks or real…but they are low and feel like period cramps.
Dilated: 1 cm!!! Hoping this bodes well for me and I can avoid induction.

I made this mobile for the baby room yesterday. I am not super crafty, so I think it turned out pretty well. We only have two things left on our baby to- do list: put up wall decals and order cloth diapers! Oh, and pack the hospital bag. But I have all of my postpartum stuff and I have planned what is going in the hospital bag. I suppose since my midwife told me this weekend is a good weekend for me to have the baby ( she is on-call) I really should pack that bag!