Making peace with my c-section

My baby turned six months old on November 6th. He is a beautiful, healthy baby.  He has two teeth, and can sit up by himself, roll over,  and crawl. He eats solid foods (we are doing baby-led solids), and smiles and laughs. He’s perfect. He was perfect from the moment he was conceived. But, it took me until his six month birthday, to come to terms with the circumstances surrounding his birth.

I believe that my c-section was medically un-necessary. I know that because I allowed my mid-wife to break my water, that I was then on the hospitals time clock in terms of delivery. I don’t think she would have suggested a c-section at the end of those 12 hours, if I had been further along, but I don’t believe I should have been induced when I was. There was no medical reason for it, other than my belly measuring large. But, that is neither here nor there. It just gives me an idea of how much stronger I need to be in my next pregnancy, (if we decided to have a second) if I go post-dates again.

But, because of how things worked out….I was able to say goodbye to my dad. When my dad had his stroke three days before Anderson was born, I didn’t really think about what might happen if he died. It wasn’t intentional, but i’m sure it was sub-concious self preservation. My dad slipped into a coma in the early hours of Sunday (like 2am) I was induced at 5am on Sunday. My mom and brother decided not to tell me that my dad wasn’t going to make it, as I was laboring with Anderson. I will forever feel greatful, that they made that decision, and that it wasn’t me in their shoes. When I ended up with a c-section, it was 3 hours before my dad died. What if I hadn’t? What if I had been progessed to a 9, and still had 3 hours ahead of me? What would my mom and brother have done then?

As it was, Anderson was born, and my brother was able to hold the phone up to my dad’s ear, and I was able to say good bye. Holding my hours old baby is what saved me through this experience. Having a c-section, when I did, is what allowed me to do that. Call it God, or fate, or conicidence, whatever you believe, but as for me, I’m thankful.

My c-section was not medically necessary, but I believe, it was emotionally and spirtually.

Letters to Dad: June 3rd

Dear Daddy,
Today Anderson is one month old, and you have been gone for a month. Somedays are easier than others.
The Reno Gazette Journal did a feature on you today. I read it online at 3 am while I was nursing, and I didn’t even cry, which is pretty strange for me. They interviewed Pete Sferazza…which I found interesting. Mom said it wasn’t that strange. I wonder what you would think if all this hoopla, news paper articles and online comments on your obituary. People come out of the woodwork…your college roommate left an online comment, with a story that i don’t think you ever told me, about drag racing some fraternity boys in palo alto. I liked it. Next week we will all be home for your memorial. Adam and I will be giving the eulogies. I need to start practicing mine, don’t worry…I can hear you telling me not to drop the end of my sentences.
Love, sissy

Letters to Dad

May 6th, was both the most wonderful, and saddest day of my life. My son was born at 6:24pm, and four hours later, my dad passed away.
My dad had a stroke on Thursday May 3rd. My brother called to tell me that evening. Needless to say, the days leading up to my sons birth were the most emotionally charged days of my life.
My dad would have been the consummate grandpa. Truly. My heart aches that he never got the experience.
So, as part of my healing from and dealing with this, I am going to start a series on my blog called “letters to dad.” and they are going to be just that…letters to my dad. I think they will be updates on the baby, and life, and they might just be emotional letters that matter only to me.
My dad was a letter writer…even in this day of email, he wrote real letters to my brother and me, now…I will write to him.
And because I think my baby is adorable…